My Wandering Thoughts

I’m writing this blog while sitting in my bathtub filled with bubbles and lavender scented epsom salt, a soothing and relaxing scented candle, my favorite “wind down” tea, a clay mask on my face and listening to some relaxing acoustic music. Man, did my mind, body & soul need this... so all that to say, I have no idea where this blog is going to go. It might make sense, it might not. First thought, I can’t wait until the day we buy our first home and I can completely decorate and design every room and bathroom. I love the idea of decorating a bathroom to be simple and clean for every day use and be able to turn it into a relaxing spa for moments like this. I love being able to use my imagination and creativity to design the place I love. It helps me to feel more relaxed and calm. I have been struggling to find happiness and contentment. I have so much to be greatful for and appreciative of and it takes NOTHING away from those things. I think I’m not happy with this season. Patrick is gone a lot, the kids are a handful at this age and I rarely have time to myself or time away from the kids. I LOVE my kids so much! I honestly, don’t like sleeping away from them. Even though I am still waking up with Annabelle 3-4 times a night to give her water, I love knowing that they are right there and that they can fall back asleep with my cuddles and to the sound of my voice. I’m they’re comfort and that is the BEST feeling! I don’t want to lose who I am or the things I enjoy because I’m putting my children’s needs before mine. I think it’s so easy to forget those things when everyday your mind is consumed of what you need to do around the house, errands, kids schedules, family time, etc. that you don’t leave a lot of room for taking a day to yourself or what you would do with that time. I’m holding onto the hope that when Paramedic school is over, Patrick is working as a medic firefighter, the kids are just a year older, and we have our own home (most likely renting for a few years) that I will find my happiness then. I have always been a dreamer. It was one of the things that my grandma loved most about me. I can just dream of those days and know that we will get there one day. I just wish that one day was tomorrow. But, I want to make the best of this time and these struggles. I want to learn, grow and just feel how SUCKY this feels so that maybe I’ll have a greater appreciation for where we go in life because we worked so hard to get there. I’m finding that this season I am starting to kind of come into my own. Meaning, discovering my faith based off what I feel is best for me. Not just having faith because I’m supposed to or do things the way people think I should. But, living how I believe God has called me to live and not try to fit into a mold that churches can make people think they are supposed to fit into. I just want to love others and live my life the way I feel necessary and I don’t want to battle being someone or something I’m not. I hope that makes sense. I’m not saying that I’m doing life in an ungodly way. I’m saying that I am walking that path of discovering who Jesus is and why he did what he did. I have learned a lot over the last 7 years but I feel like I have been so focused on WHO I am supposed to be that I wasn’t really looking at Jesus and his life. I’ve been fixated on what the church expects me to be. And I’m changing my perspective from that and doing my own discovery and loving myself for who I am because that is how God made me.