Checking My Heart

It is so easy to let several months go by without realizing that my heart is changing. Not necessarily for the worse, but to a point that it's not good for me. There is a reason I left my old ways and my old habits. All I knew was how to distract myself and how to become cold hearted, that was my way of dealing with life. There has been so much change and so much going on for us this past year that I have not given myself time to evaluate my heart and to see where I am in my walk with God and in life.

Starting off this year I was feeling so strong and excited to see what God has planned for us. I spent every morning praying and reading. Throughout the day I would focus my energy on Him. I was being intentional about my actions and trying to be the best representation of Christ. Even if I had a bad day, I still felt good and lifted up because I was walking with Him. I didn't feel empty handed or lifeless. I felt confident and excited about life. Since deciding to move to CA and preparing for something so heart warming and heart breaking at the same time I have lost track of where my heart is at. I know that doors are closing out here in CO for us and new ones are opening in CA. I know God is preparing me for some big things in CA and I can't wait to find out what they are. With that, recently, I felt God nudging me to check my heart because what he has for me, I need to have my heart and my mind in the right place for whatever it is.

As I am thinking about all of the exciting things I get to do (that I have missed) once I get to CA, I started to drift off a little. I started thinking about old habits and getting excited about things that used to once damage me. Thinking, well it will be different. I'm in a better place and I am doing so much better in life, I can handle this. No, I can't. There is a reason I got out of my old life style and I stopped the bad habits that I used to have. They were things that could only make me feel full in that moment. Make me feel like I had my life together in that moment because I was numb. I know that those old habits will do me no good. For me, I needed my life to change and to stay changed. So, I found myself checking my heart. Where am I in my walk with God? Where am I emotionally and mentally? How am I doing dealing with life stresses and all of the change? What do I need to balance myself?

Where am I in my walk with God?

Not where I should be. I was journaling, reading and praying every morning for the first 2 months of 2018 and I felt so filled and confident. I got off my routine because our schedule started to change and home life started to get stressful as both kids started teething and just developmentally growing requiring more of me. I thought I was fine and that I needed more sleep and I would spend time with God later in the day. Well, later in the day I was tired too and kept putting it off. I really wouldn't even talk to God much during the day because my mind was so occupied with myself and trying to figure out what I needed to have a better balance. So I would say as of a couple days ago my relationship with God was more like... when I passed him I would say hi and keep walking as I am talking to myself about what I needed to do that day. I wouldn't stop and talk to him or ask him any questions or anything. I would say hi to him in passing and that was it. The past 2-3 days it's more like... I have actually stopped to talk to him and make that be the first thing I do to prepare myself for the day. Since doing that, I am reminded why it is worth making time for Him. I feel less stressed during the day. Like I am not having to carry it all on alone. When I am having a stressful moment (like today in the car with the kids after stressfully rushing out of the house) I just say his name and tell him I need his help. He immediately calmed me in that moment and the day just got better from there. So, I am changing my daily schedule a little to MAKE SURE that I make time to journal, read and pray.

Where am I emotionally and mentally?

Doing better. For about a month or 2 I was reverting to my old ways of distracting myself so that I didn't have to deal with the daily stress. Trying to take care of both kids by myself most days of the week have gotten very stressful. Annabelle started walking (still mostly crawling but takes about 5-6 steps on her own) and Joshua is getting his molars in and starting to figure out where the line is of getting away with things. He has A LOT of energy and I am not able to take him out everyday to get him the exercise that he needs. So, he gets too hyper in the house sometimes and acts out. Its hard when they both want me at the same time. By the time Patrick gets home I feel exhausted. We have made more time for each other this past week and that has helped me so much! I have been able to have time away from the kids (THANK YOU MOM!) and that has helped me to get a little recharged. I have been home with the kids 24/7 for the last month or 2. That takes a toll after a while when I feel like I don't have time to myself at all.

How am I doing dealing with life stresses and all of the change?

Still working on this one. Luckily, Patrick only has 2 weeks left at his job then he will be home until we leave for CA! My AMAZING in laws are doing so much work preparing for us to move in with them and they are creating a warm and welcoming place for us. Knowing that they are excited for us to be there with them and we know we will have a roof over our head and a place to call home, I feel more at ease and less stressed. We have a great relationship with my in laws and I know we will love living with them. I am focusing on doing what we can to keep our usual routine going until we move. I am preparing and planning for what our new routine will look like which helps give me a peace of mind that I have an idea of what it will look like once we move. I am noticing that making more time for God everyday and changing my night time routine (so that I have better sleep at night) is helping me feel less stressed and more balanced to handle everything.

What do I need to balance myself?

If I asked myself this a few weeks ago I would say, "Nights out with my hubby, getting drinks, being in environments that distract me from thinking about the stress that I feel because of all the activity around me." But after checking my heart these last couple days, I would say that I need a few things to balance myself. I need time to pray, journal and read. I need to have times that I can pamper myself. Doing my nails, my hair and doing face masks and things like that, that relax me and calm me. Also, having a good calming night routine and getting to bed on time has become very important. It helps me to release any stress or hard times I had during that day, gives me time to reset my body and mind, and to get ready for whatever the next day brings. I also need time away from the kids for a few hours a week. Time to do whatever I want/need to do. When I have time away from the kids every week it helps me feel like I'm not constantly needing to be "on" 24/7. I need a break from the constant noise and kids pulling at me and climbing on me all day long. Lastly, I need a great community around me to support me and encourage me especially when I have rough days.

I never want to stop growing in my faith and as a wife and mother. I want to always be working on myself and become a better person. In order for me to do that, I have to check my heart often to make sure that I am where I need to be so that I am able to grow.