I Was Not Prepared for Motherhood

No one prepares you for motherhood. There is no amount of books or articles you can read that will prepare you to be a mother. I remember before I had my son (picture on the left) I was terrified of being pregnant, giving birth and motherhood. I wanted to be a mom so bad but I was so afraid of failing, doing something wrong or not being ready for motherhood. I had a talk with my grandma and it was the eye opening conversation that made me feel ready to have a baby. When I went home that day, I told Patrick I was ready to start our family and he had the biggest smile I had ever seen on his face.

I always went to my grandmother for advice. We were hanging out at her house one day just spending quality time together and she brought up the question of having kids. So I asked her questions and told her about my fears and told her all the things that I needed to do/have before we had kids. She simply smiled and said, "You will never feel completely prepared and ready to have a baby. So if its something you really want and feel God has prepared you for, you need to trust God to lead you through that." So I did.

During my first pregnancy my mom asked me one time if I felt connected to my baby. I said I knew theres a baby in there and all that, but to be honest, I really don't feel it. She told me that with your first baby, sometimes its hard to feel connected because you don't know what the experience is like to give birth and see your baby for the first time and all of the love that overwhelms you in that moment. For me, that was so true. With my second baby, I felt more connected during the pregnancy and couldn't wait for the moment I got to meet her because I knew what it was like to meet your baby for the first time.

The first day I brought Joshua, my first born, home I felt like I was in such a daze. Like I was dreaming and I couldn't believe it was actually happening. I was rocking him in the rocking chair that I would sit in while I was pregnant and just think about what it would be like to have him in my arms. I was dressing him in the clothes I specifically bought for him envisioning his little body filling them in. I had him wrapped in the blankets that I washed and folded neatly in his crib waiting for him to be born. The moments felt unreal and I cherished every second of them. Beside the bliss of holding my baby in my arms, I was so worried about not knowing what to do. The first few months were really hard to figure out but I surprised myself everyday.

The mother instinct that would kick in when I didn't know what was wrong with my baby is not something anyone could have taught me. I somehow just knew what he needed and how he needed it. I tried so many different things to see what worked best. Some were my own ideas and some were ideas that other people gave me. Once I figured out what worked for him when it came to soothing, sleeping, feeding, etc., I stuck to that and didn't change it. I made sure everyone who babysat him knew exactly how he liked things so that he would have what he needed. Sometimes my family thought I was crazy and over baring, but they were supportive and never questioned why or how I did things. My amazing in laws let me tell them over and over and over again how to care for him whenever they would babysit. They always listened as if it was new information and let me say what I needed to say. It was more to make me feel better.

I was not prepared for the amount of love that would overcome me when I became a mom. I was not prepared for the sleepless and exhausted days. I was not prepared to teach a baby/child how to walk, talk, crawl, etc. I had never done it before and had no clue what to do. Today I got a compliment in the grocery store as I had Annabelle contently sitting in the front of the cart just looking around and Joshua standing in the big part of the cart giggling and helping me put the yogurt into the cart one at a time. A lady came up to me and said, "How do you do it" I responded with "I have no idea!" We laughed and she said, "I can tell they are well behaved for you at home aren't they?" I said, "Yes, for the most part they are. They are pretty amazing." Before she walked away she lovingly said, "Well, your doing a great job and they are both so beautiful. I did the same thing, I had 2 little ones close together and its exhausting. But, it is so worth every sleepless night!" I agreed and smiled and thanked her as she walked away. It made smile to know that even in my unpreparedness, I'm still doing a great job.

I encourage you new mommas or mommas expecting baby #2... you got this! Don't doubt what you are capable of becoming as a mother. Be okay with changing and growing. I am not the same person I was before I had kids. I have grown in so many ways. My eyes have been so opened to life. You may not feel ready at all to take that baby home and have him/her rely on you to nurture them but, you are ready. The moment you look into their eyes and feel their warm skin against yours, you will be ready. And, you will be amazing.

Motherhood is the greatest gift this life has ever given me!