I Miss Her

It's not fair. She was supposed to watch my kids grow. To have a relationship with my daughter that would be unforgettable. She was supposed to help me get through this rough season of life that I'm in. To tell me to trust God and that it will all be okay. It's only been a year and a half since she passed away.

Tonight my heart is so heavy and I am missing her so much. I wish I could have her back for one day and just ask her how to get through this season and to also tell her about all of my growth. I want to tell her about motherhood and how amazing but hard it is. I just want to hear her laugh one more time. See her smile one more time. Some days it feels like I just haven't talked to her in a while because life is busy and I'll see her around the holidays. But, somedays I'm reminded that she's not here anymore and she's not coming back and I have to do life without her.

She knew me in ways that I didn't even know myself. She has watched me grow and go through all of the things in my past and then come to know God and His love. She has always been my supporter and encourager. I miss catching up on life and her being proud of everything I have accomplished. Her being so excited about my art work and my hairstyles I would do. I just remember feeling so special to her and her loving me so much. I miss that so so so so much!

I wonder what life would be like if she never left us. How close our family would have become, the knowledge I would have gained from her, the woman of God I would be with her as my role model. I strive everyday to have her strength and faithfulness. She had a child like faith in God that I had never seen before. Her battle with cancer was not easy. She had a way of teaching us what it means to trust God even if we don't like our circumstances.

I miss my grandma so much and it was way too early for her to go. I TRUST that God brought her home for a reason and will turn it into His good. A lot of times I can't see how, but I know that He is good.

As I sit and stare at her picture I can hear her voice and remember the things she told me before she passed. I can hear her voice saying " I love you" for the last time.